I Need To Know

Sometimes, I really wish I knew everything. I wish I could really understand what's going on in other people's heads.

I'm really lucky. I know I am. I remember, once I was sitting on the couch on a Friday evening with my grandma and she said, "I'm glad that {coming out} hasn't affected your relationship with your dad. I know you guys are really close."

That was the first time I ever realized that my dad was homophobic. People (that I'm related to) always tell me that he's much better than he was. But I was young back then. And I now realize just how much his opinions influenced me, even if he didn't say anything about the subject.

I knew I had a crush on Red. I knew how deeply I loved her. She never had to love me back, she never did anything to earn it. But I never quite made the connection. I would justify it to myself, the way I continued to do until I was 19.

(The justification, if you're curious, comes from Torey Hayden. I love her books. It was in The Tiger's Child. I can't find it, but this little girl's got a crush on a teenage helper, and Torey, who works with children, says it's quite a normal thing.)

It's like I told my friend: "It's not that I didn't know. I wasn't willing to admit it to myself. Because it was wrong. Even after my mom told me my uncle was gay, I thought it was okay for other people, but not for me. It took seeing lesbians on a daily bases for 8 months before I realized it was "okay to be gay."

But anyway, after that random detour ... today in the office I mentioned getting an invitation to my uncles' wedding. My mom was downstairs at the time, and she said that they weren't going.
I already knew that. I just thought that it was because it takes place during the summer, when only one person at work is allowed to be on vacation at a time, and she hasn't worked there long enough to have enough vacation time.

When she said that she had better things to do (aka "shop-hop"). That made me somewhat angry, saying "I'd rather shop-hop than be at my brother's wedding" but I thought she was just diverting attention from the real reasons because she felt bad or something (for the reasons above). Kind of changing the subject so she didn't have to deal with it.

And I still think I was right. She was diverting from the real issue. But it was the issue I thought (or, more likely, was hoping). I heard her when she told Hat that it was because my dad is a bigot. That's not exactly what she said, but it's what she meant.

I really was angry then. Shocked, maybe, though I probably shouldn't have been. I ask my mom what happens if I get married. (It's not that I have any desire to, but I'm young and don't know what's going to happen in the future.)

My mom didn't really answer me, which infuriates me. I was bursting with emotion. I really thought I was going to cry. In fact, I went into the back office, away from her, and tried unsuccessfully to laugh it off. I'm sure I've said it before that lately I laugh because I don't want to cry. I was a little dramatic, sure, but if you've ever seen The Truth About Jane, that was exactly what happened.

I'm still angry, though not in a "I'm never going to talk to you again" way. She doesn't realize how upset I am that she can't tell me. I don't know how to vocalize my frustration, my disappointment in my parents. I don't know what I'd be trying to accomplish if I did.

I tried to figure out the motivation of my anger, what it's really directed at, and I think it's because I don't understand. I don't understand why they think that homosexuality is "wrong" or "bad" or "gross." I don't understand how homosexuality is any different than heterosexuality. I think if I did, then I would be able to accept their feelings.

But I can't ask my dad, and my mom avoids my conversations about similar topics. (Maybe I get all my "I don't knows" from her ...)

Nobody else really has the answers that I need. But I wish somebody did. I wish I had somebody to talk to ...