I Want to Stop

All right, here goes. My proclaimation to the world:

I made it 22 days without SI'ing. That's a lot of days. I really wanted to make it a month, but that's okay. I'm not upset that I wasn't able to. I'll get there.

Slip ups are part of life. It just told me that I was not quite ready. If you'll recall, I had a pretty stressful day yesterday. My support system was flawed (nobody's fault, though) and my other coping mechansims weren't working.

BUT

I am very proud of the 22 days. Some of them were really easy. I didn't even think about SI. Some were really hard. Some days, all that kept me going was the thought of getting a one month free bracelet. Sometimes, it was just the knowledge that I had gotten through the urges before. Even yesterday, I held off until late in the evening. The stress of my mouth hurting, of only eating a taco yesterday, and pouring my little heart out proved to be a little more than I could handle. And I really did feel better afterwards.

So here's what: I am going to go at least 23 days next time. This time. Right now. Hopefully, I'll make it a month so I can get a "free" bracelet. (Free is the term used when people don't SI anymore, kind of like "clean" or "sober"). I will beat this, no matter how long it takes. After all, I can't imagine being 50 and still doing this, or 40, or even 30. (That seems so far away ...)

So, 23 days. That will be ... August 30. That's not so bad. I think I'm going to get one of those "Trying to Stop" bracelets. 'Cause I am trying. Trying my little heart out ...