Z

Nanoism

It's a little early in the year, but whatever. I'm writing a short story, based on that one I wrote, about Jarrow after his lifemate, Scill dies.

And so came this line, a brilliant thought from TMC:

"When a horse gets sick, you shoot it without a second shot."

Oh, yeah. I know I say this every week, but I'm in love. I'd ask her out, but that would be kind of awkward.

story

Just something I thought of today. True story, by the way. I hope to edit it later, and turn it into something about Jarrow instead of me.

I saw a woman staring at me today. I've seen her before, though I try not to. She looked different than I remembered. She looked angry.

We stared at each other for what seemed like hours. The world around me seemed to stop. The longer we stared, the angrier she seemed to get. For a moment, I thought she was going to jump out and hurt me. Or worse.

A ridiculous thought. Even though she hurt me all the time, she wouldn't now. Not the way I saw in her eyes.

Why did she look so angry? Why was she so angry at me?

And why couldn't anybody see that, and make it stop?

Can't Sleep

I want to say. I really do. I'm so scared. All right, so it's always been like this. Some times are easier than others. Is this worse? who knows? I'm getting careless. I mean, I really don't care. just ask, right? They don't care either. And what could they possibly do anyway? I don't believe they could change anything. People are ignorant anyway. Like they really believe they stories they tell.

Except my mom. she knew. She was so nonchalant. And I lied to her anyway. By omission.

I want to write about it in horrible, graphic detail, as though putting it on paper will make it disappear. It's no story, I know exactly. Exactly.

I feel like one of those chicken or egg puzzles. Did I stop sleeping because of this, or did this happen because I couldn't sleep? endless. And just when I think the circle stops, the world comes crashing back down around my ears.

I know that if I don't "out" myself soon, someone else will. sooner rather than later, i hope. I want them to know. I just want it to stop.