Some Girl

It was inspired by several songs, but most notably "Some Genius." Though I hadn't "heard" it since I was in middle school, one particular phrase stuck with me. Wade sings, "I walked with you through places unseen. You held my hand. You made me scream."

The other song is She Says. Which I know surprises everybody since I mention it every other day. It's because of the line, "And when she says she wants someone else, I hope you know she doesn't mean you." I can't be in Howie Day's head, but it kind of sounds like he's talking to himself. So I wrote something where I was talking to myself.

Another song is Meet Virginia. I read somewhere that it's not about one girl, but several. My song is not about one person. It's about the three girls I loved most. I won't list them here, but if you really want to know, just look at them little taggie things.

But is it any good? I have no idea. Some say it's better than "Mission From God," but I don't think I'm the best judge. I like to sing it, though.

It's about ... unrequited love, mostly. Being taken advantage of. Failure. Self perception. Kate made the comment that (this is her talking -->) "I really liked it, but it makes me feel like there's quite a bit of truth in it."

But that's kind of the reason I don't want anybody to read it. Because it's true. It's not like "Mission From God," which I will sing happily at the top of my lungs.

My favorite line is "Love is something you can't say." I think that's very true. I think others would agree.

Who Better Than Me to Convince You You're Wrong?

I just wanted to note that I was going through my life (or the archives or whatever you want to call them). And I realized what a blatant liar I was. So I edited some stuff out. If any one's curious, most of them were in August, and clearly noted.

At least I was lying for the greater good.


In any case, the whole subject makes me think of a story from QWEST. I shall do my best to retell it the way the guy did in the first place. (I forget his name) :

Ever since I was, like, five, my parents thought I was gay. When my dad caught me with my girlfriend, I thought he was going to cry.

I can just see myself being the parent in this story. Except the "parent" part. I know, I know. My mom tells me all the time that that could change. But I ain't becoming pregnant. But in any case, there is a little girl that I know, who happens to be related to me, that I really want to grow up to be, (what is the politically correct word?) not straight. I think it's her destiny.

And yes, I am a psycho.


Edit: Seven hits today? Declare yourself!

QWEST

I found that QWEST continues to leave me much to think about, perhaps not because of the subject of discussion, but because of the social interaction it provides.

I smoked while I climbed a bazillion flights of stairs, with a slightly better idea of where I was going than last week. I marveled over the disposable ashtray it came with.

For a while, I hung out on the stairs. I could hear the girls below, so I just text messaged my mother. (But don't tell anybody it was my mother. Somehow, when other people are texting, I don't think they are writing their parents.)

As I stood there, a girl walked by. She waved at me. I said hi. We ended up talking before the club started. Quite a bit, in fact. Her name is Ramsey.

Halfway through the meeting, Katie came in. I kinda didn't think she was going to come, in the same way I knew that SW wasn't going to come. At that moment, I really wanted to go outside and smoke. I don't think anyone would have missed me.

And I further convinced her that SW is just a figment of my imagination. We all know I am running an expiriment about that anyway. Probably everybody thinks she's just a figment, even though I've talked about her in this blog at least since August.

Anyway, I shall go back next week and socilaize even more. If I could talk while the club is actually meeting (besides the introduction at the beginning where I basically say, "I'm Roowey, and I like to jump off cliffs") I would have it made.

Reporting Live From Hackensack (part two)

I told SW that too. She's like, "What's wrong with that? You are a girl!"

I continued the play by play commentary. I had never met Susan before. I still haven't, because I couldn't get my friend off the phone. Erin muttered, "I don't know why she has to keep tabs on everything."

SW must have heard. "What's she say?" she demanded. I said I would tell her later. (And I did, SW was furious. Maybe. She said, "I told you I would call." And I told her I was glad she did. She sounded suprised.)

At some point, Erin managed to get SW off the phone. (But not before being questioned.) Then we went home. It was a shorter trip, since there was less traffic. However, Erin kept a watchful eye over my speed. He made polite comments like, "I think we can pass this truck," and "Did the speed limit drop again?" I was ready to drop his speed limit.

We got to SW's house. On Erin's, er, "request" I followed him in. There was Janie. I was suprised. I was under the impression that she was staying with SW's mother.

Oh, but the look on her face when I walked in. Though I usually wouldn't say this, nothing else can quite describe it as well as this: She was pissed off.

And then she forced me to eat her food.

Reporting Live From Hackensack (part one)

This is for Jay.

So I went to Hackensack Friday night. I was so worried about it. I couldn't sleep or anything. I mean, think about it. I was going to a strange place with a boy I'd never met before.

SW changed the plan. She didn't want her mother to know about her roommate. Janie had a doctor's appointment, and something about not being to move for 48 hours. And babysitting.

So I met Erin at the gas station. He's really nice. He was dressed really professionally (since he's looking for a job). He was super polite. And he was really nice looking. (for a boy)

But it made me kind of nervous. After introducing himself, he asked me if SW had given me directions. She had, after I insisted on getting a copy half a bazillion times. I guess Erin didn't know the way to Susan's house. I had been under the impression that Susan was his friend, and they had lived near each other before Erin moved to Bellingham.

He asked for the instructions. Nervous, I gave them to him. After all, I wasn't going to lead him there. But we decided I would lead the way to the freeway. Which is funny, because I don't know the way any better than he does. I went the way to my house, which passes by a freeway entrance. But I'm sure it's not the closest.

It was a long trip. I listened to my music forever as we sat on the freeway. Cigerettes were thrown at my car while I smoked my own. (I don't really smoke, but I like to say that I'm going to go out and smoke. I was really chewing gum.) Traffic was a mess. Maybe it was the basketball game. Maybe it was rush hour. Maybe it was that wreck on the side of the road.

Then SW called, wondering where the [heck] we were. "Hackensack," I told her. "We just passed The Tower of Mac."

She was sure we were lost. So was I. But looking back, it was SW who told me it was in North Hackensack. I was sure The Tower was in the middle of the city. SW insisted I tell her everything that was going on. I rattled off places we were passing and street names. The only thing that sound familiar was "Burger Doodle." Of course that sounded familar. We have in Bellingham!

But somehow, we got there. And I parked like a girl.

A Poem

I didn't write this. 007 did.

so things are different, unfamiliar is apparent

so tell me whats new, cause i ain't got a fucking clue. I guess i wasn't the one, i must have been the bullet in the gun, that shot through you and never left a mark. Just leave it to me, to let things "be", still and silent..fucked and forgotten.

Cause thats what i am best at, afterall.

So now, get in the car..where i can drive way too far, pull over and dream turn up the music and just fucking scream..Stay'n out until dawn, 'till i can finally move on, to a differnt nite a whole new moon..face it baby, we left the game way to...soon.

Hackensack Interrupted

There's one person in the world that I would do anything for. All she would have to do is ask.

Oh boy, what have I gotten myself into now?

Jessie McFadden

Have you ever heard the song "Jessie McFadden?" No? Neither have I.

But it is described as being a song about a "first schoolgirl crush on, well, another schoolgirl." It has crossed my mind that I could write a song like that. I would call it "Jeriziah Holt." (god forbid she stumbles across this page, but if she does, she should email me. :) )

It would be a collection of all my fond memories. How she got me expelled my first year of high school. How I threw candy in her hair at football games. How she sat by me on the bus and when she fell asleep I would want to touch her hair so bad ...

Why couldn't I have come out in high school? What was my problem? At the end of "Jessie McFadden" the singer wonders what she's doing now, and if Jessie is queer. She's sad because she never asked her crush out.

Tell you what. If I ever see her again, I'll ask her out. Or at least let her know that I had the biggest crush on her. I'm sure she wouldn't be surprised.

Aventures of 007

I have a friend. Which surprises you, I know. Though she has a nickname, I will call her 007 because she told me not to tell anybody what we're doing this weekend. I will write about it in code. Though I suspect at least one person will know what's really going on. It's not like I'm going to stray tremendously far from the truth.

So 007 has this ... acquaintance. Who happens to live with her at the moment. It was a completely bizarre moment. One day 007 just woke up and realized that her acquaintance (who, for the fun of it, I will call "007's Friend," since 'friend' is easier to spell) was in her house and needed a place to live.

Anyway, 007's Friend borrowed a car from her friend in Hackensack to get up here in the first place. Now she needs to give it back. Brilliant, I think. How is she going to give the car back to Hackensack if she doesn't have a ride? Yeah, I know. 007 could follow her to Hackensack and then carpool back.

No. That would be too easy! Let's get a third person involved. 007 asked me if I would follow her friend to Hackensack with her. My car, of course. Why? Because 007's other friend, 008, doesn't know that her friend doesn't have her own car. Why all these secrets? I guess I can kind of relate, but I don't think my codes are really secrets. I mean, they are, but I don't hide them, I just encode them.

B U T. Who can resist helping a friend? A friend one particularly likes and wants to spend more time with. I miss hanging out with her ... and I'd do anything. Even drive to Hackensack.

Elf Qwest

My new year's resolution was to meet more people. Or socialize more. Or something.

SW introduced me to myspace (which I only joined because she was one it, of course). Actually, myspace is kind of cool. I found a lot of kids I went to school with.

In any case, one of the clubs that SW is part of is actually held every Monday at Western. So I thought, I should go. After all, every body's been telling me I should go to a club with similar interests, and hey! I have similar interests to the people on myspace.

I emailed one of them, asking for a couple of question. She ended up giving me directions (ones even I could understand) and told me that I should come.

I scribbled them down and promptly showed them to everybody at work, trying to clarify the correctness of the notes. The Evil Dude was actually the one who helped me the most, when he pointed out that "towards downtown" was a different direction than I thought.

Of course, they asked what kind of a club it was. Generally, I claimed not to know. But if they insisted, I told them it was an "elf club." I told SW that it was for a bunch of people to get together and hunt elves (if only that was true!). She knew that was just a code.

The club is called QWEST. (Kind of like ElfQuest ...) It stands for Queer Women Educating and Supporting Together. And it was pretty cool.

As I was wondering around campus (trying to look like I knew where I was going, even if I didn't), and I saw two girls talking. As I passed them, I realized that I knew one of them. Her name is Ro, short for Rochelle. I had visited her myspace page 10 bazillion times. (Okay, not really.) But I knew that she was the moderator of QWEST, and one of SW's "friends." It was totally weird to recognise her.

But it kind of reminds me of a movie I was watching with Katie last week. They were in a club or something, and the MC goes up to a man and says, "You're on MySpace!"

Anyway, the subject of the meeting was queer culture, which I had nothing really to say about. I know about two lesbians. You can decide which two I mean (SW, Kate, or Janie).

But I guess I left with a lot to think about. And I think I'll go back next week. Maybe I'll actually participate.

The best part is, I made my mom happy. She said she's proud of me.

An Idea

So, I was thinking today ...

(*stops to step over the bodies of those who had dropped dead at the idea*)

I tried to convince Katie the other day that SW was a figment of my imagination (which everybody gets a kick out of, even her mother told me that she was a "very big figment") and though all I really did was make Kate mad. But I was thinking, just how does Katie know that SW does exist? Oh, sure, I talk about her all the time, but I talk about my elves all the time, and that doesn't mean that *they* exist. Sure, she has a myspace page, but so does everyone else. I have two or three. All with different names. And Kate has never seen SW.

Okay, so with that in mind, why not make somebody up, and pretend she is an acquaintance of mine. Talk about her a bit, make a myspace page, and try to convince people that she is real.

Actually, I have a bit more complicated of a situation in mind, but I don't want to share. After all, everybody is going to think that my (new) friend "Darci" is just made up.

How *Not* to Write a Story

Taken directly from my story about S'mo, Kaite and Ruin (that's what I changed her name to, and yes, it is because she "ruins things.")

How could any of them truely be happy? I have no idea, I haven't figured that part out yet. I'll just have to wait and see like everybody else.

A Real Conversation

My friend: I think you might be trying to reconcile something in your past ...
Me: You mean like that time I tried to seduce [Red] in the band room?
My friend: You never told me really about that
Me: Oh. forget I said anything.


Yeah. Those were the good old days. I miss her. Red, that is. Actually, I saw her brother the other day, and I tried to ask him how she was doing and get her phone number or something, but he pretty well ignored me. So if you wouldn't mind, please go to his myspace page and ask him for his sister's phone number.

Anyway, that's not what I wanted to write about. There was actually another part of our conversation that got me thinking, and not about cute girls. We were talking about my insane need for codes. Well, actually, to quote what she said:

"Some things in your past still bother you which lead to being extra wary about letting people in to see how you truly feel. [For example,] codes, vagueness, dislike of anyone getting close physically even for a hug."

When I asked her what events might have contributed (as obviously the band room incident wasn't that bad) because I'm (oh what's the word?) some word that means I don't know, because I'm stupid. Okay, maybe not stupid. But it's a word kind of like that. I will edit this out when I think of the word.

Okay, anyway, I once again visited the idea that my stories are (usually) code for things going on in my own life, except with scary aliens. I was telling her about stories I wrote during that time, like "Untitled," which is about a girl who is a genie hunter (no aliens) who is held captive by a (apparently) super powerful guy named Slur. She tries to get her brother, who is an astronaut in our world, to save her, because she thinks he is the only person Slur is afraid of. It turns out that the person Slur is afraid of is really her.

I like that one, because despite the abuse she suffers throughout the tale, she remains happy go lucky.

Another one I brought up was "Another Untitled Story," which was about a girl (who I believe had the same name as the one from Untitled) who is held captive by my famous Lieums. It was the first story with Adam in it. The girl doesn't talk, but Adam feels there is potential, despite what everybody thinks. He ends up finding out that she's more than he bargained for, and that he is quite naive in the ways of his world.

So, at this point, I had to dig out my old notebooks. Stories from elementary school, middle school, high school. But one caught my eye. One that is surely not in code. Sure, it takes place in outside space (the setting is based on Ender's Game), but other than that, it's not hard to see what was going on in my life at the time. Either that, or I was able to accurately predict the future.

It is called "America's Best-kept Seceret" (and you thought it was going to be "Yet Another Untitled Story"). It's about a girl named ... oh,yeah. She got the same name as everyone else. I really liked that name, I tell ya. Anyway, she's got a boyfriend who's name is Adnam, which I'm not quite sure of the origins of. He is very protective of her. When she shows up covered in wounds, he rushes to help her, babying her. But when they are alone, it is a different story.

"...And only because I won't rat you out."
"And why wouldn't you? You'd get me grounded ASAP."
"Ha," she answered.
"I do love you, you know."
"You've got a funny way of showing it."
...
"I don't know what you're planning, Jarasia, but don't try anything.:
"Why would I?" she asked.
"If I get grounded, I'll kill you first. I don't care if the whole world's watching."
"Your mother would be proud."

Yeah, I did edit part of it out. I just didn't want to type out the part where Adnam's beating her up. Ah, well, she was asking for it anyway.

Shopping

My mom took me shopping today, because she doesn't trust me driving on icy roads.

But I'm glad that she's open minded, or it would have been boring. She needed some straws, so I went looking down the picnic aisle. Sucessful in my mission, I brought a pack 120 back to my mom.

Still, I had found another reason I hated [the store we went to.] "I didn't get the 60 straight straws," I informed my mother, probably louder than she would have liked. "They shouldn't be allowed to flaunt their sexuality like that!"

A Thought

This isn't worth it. I want to help, but I'm not. I realize that. I keep trying, but nothing changes.











Who's the real psycho?

My Newest Story Idea

Alternatively, a reflection while I pretend to plot. Or sada.

So ... we all know I like alien stories. Somehow, I relate to my poor human slaves. But I still want to write a story that's relevant to what's going on in my life currently, a reflection of my thoughts and feelings. Can't write about Curly and Janie and Zero, because those aren't the characters I need. Well, Zero and Curly, yes. Janie isn't relevant.

Now, the character that would represent me is Zero. But Zero isn't right. She is the quiet side of me. I don't want the char to be shy and never talk, I want her to be the "tougher" side of me. (I know, every body's laughing.) So, though this is just a working name, I'm going to call her Teefer. (As a side note, teefer is my word for "someone who steals." I am not the only person in the world who says that, I have heard others.) The story behind her name is coming soon. (Maybe next post.)

Instead of Curly, I have a good name for the super butch girl in my story. Her name is Samoa. Not like the girl scout cookie. Most people call her S'mo for short, which is a word I use for "a great number." Firespitter was the first to say this to me.

Then there's a third character, not at all like Janie. She's kind of a mixture of two people I know. I call her Kaite (so now everybody knows one of the people I'm representing). Oh, those those girls with K names ...

The story is going to be about their love triangle. Kaite, the "new girl," falls head over heels for little Teef, who is in love with S'mo, who in turn falls for Kaite. How can any of them truly be happy when the girl they love loves someone else who couldn't possibly appreciate them? (if you know what I mean ... not quite sure how to convey that idea in writing.)

From SW

"1- as soon as you get online-who's name do you look at first
2 - when you hear your phone ringing-who do u hope is calling
3 - when a love song comes on the radio-who's face comes to your mind
4 - who's name makes your heart skip a beat every time u hear it
5 - who is it that you always find yourself thinking about-wondering if they're thinking about you
6 - the whole time you were reading this bulletin, there was only one person on your mind.....

Repost this as "6 signs you're falling 4 someone" within the 5 minutes and the one who you answered to those questions will realize how much you mean to them tonight at 11:11 "

Well, we all know my answers to that one. I reposted it, so now I just have to wait until 11:11, right? :/ Somehow, I don't think it works like that. But obviously I have a glimmer of hope!

But unrequited love is unrequited. It's better like that, in my opinion. If she did love me, there would be problems, I can see it already.

You Love Me, But You Don't ....

I'm sad to say that I broke with Katie. Even though it was a short realtionship compared to the others I've had (most relationships last a year or more, this one was about four or five months) I learned a lot.

Mostly, though, I learned more about what I want in a girlfriend. And about myself in general.

To be honest, I don't know how my mother (and the rest of my family) put up with me when I was a teenager. But I'm glad that I see the world differently now.

Of course, she also taught me that songs can change thier meaning. I searched and searched for a song that fit my feelings of having to break up with her. But most songs I listened to were about being broken up with, which is fine. But you know what? I don't really think I'm a jerk because of what I did. I admit, I should have gone about it differently, but as much as she cried, I know I did the right thing. The lesser of two evils.

Anyway, the song. 3 Doors Down. Let Me Go. There's a couple of lines that really rang true.

"I dream ahead to what I hope for,
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm goin' through?"

"No matter how hard I try,
I can't escape these things inside I know"

Also, on the way to Lakey Saturday I was writing down my feelings about the whole event (about a bazillion pages). I had my cd player, and I ran across a song that inspired one of my nano novels. But part of it hit me in the chest (or some metaphore). It kind of summed up the feelings about the relationship, though not the entire song, just a part. Though there were lots of reasons I broke up with Katie, this would have to be the most prominite (the song is "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson):

"I watched you die, I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young, you should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else, you just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing"