Another Code Story

Once upon a time, there was a dog. Now, I don't like dogs, but I didn't know this one personally. I would assume he is a nice dog who leaves people who don't like dogs alone.

His owner was a wonderful man. He took the dog for long walks three times a day, bought only the best dog food, and supplied him with all the chew toys he could ever want.

But then an unfortunate thing happened. He lost his job, he ran out of money, the electric company turned off this lights, the garbage company reposed his toter, and he had to eat food he bought at the dollar store.

He was very upset, because he couldn't get a new job. To take out his frustrations, as he came home jobless every night, he kicked the dog.

The dog began to get angry. He didn't like being kicked all the time. But what could he do? He was just a dog, after all.

One night, he got so angry he couldn't think straight. He bit his owner's arm off.

The End

Roses only last like a couple weeks and that's if you leave them in water. They really only exist to be pretty. So that's like saying, "My love for you is transitory and based solely on your appearance."

But a potato! Potatoes last forever! In fact, not only will they not rot, they actually grow stuff even if you just leave them in the sack. That part alone makes it a good symbol. But there's more! There are so many ways to enjoy a potato! You can even make a battery with it! That's like saying, "I have many ways in which I show my love for you."

And potatoes may be ugly, but they're still awesome. So that's like saying, "It doesn't matter at all what you look like, I'll still love you."

Answer

Proud of your boy
I'll make you proud of your boy
Believe me, bad as I've been, Ma
You're in for a pleasant surprise

I've wasted time
I've wasted me
So say I'm 'slow for my age'
'A late bloomer,' Okay, I agree

I've been one rotten kid
Some son, some pride and some joy
But I'll get over these lousin' up
Messin' up, screwin' up times

You'll see, Ma, now comes the better part
Someone's gonna make good
Cross his stupid heart
Make good and finally make you
Proud of your boy

Tell me that I've been a louse and loafer
You won't get a fight here, no ma'am
Say I'm a goldbrick, a good-off, no good
But that couldn't be all that I am

Water flows under the bridge
Let it pass, let it go
There's no good reason that you should believe me
Not yet, I know, but

Someday and soon
I'll make you proud of your boy
Though I can't make myself taller
Or smarter or handsome or wise

I'll do my best, what else can I do ?
Since I wasn't born perfect like Dad or you
Mom, I will try to
Try hard to make you
Proud of your boy

Random ...

It's kind of funny, really. In my head anyway. The things I say to her ...


The other day, she said thanks for something. I told her, "You are most welcome" (she didn't know it was me that she was talking to). We all know 'you're welcome' means that you are -- well, welcome. I read a book where they would say that in the most literal sense. That they wanted you there.

So I added the thought, "I really mean that from the bottom of my heart."

At that point, she was like, "All right, who is this?"


A couple of days later, maybe a week at most, I was talking to her while she was working away. Nobody else was around (that I recall) so I told her the truth. How I really felt at that moment. Watching her work, while I rambled on knowing that she wasn't listening at all.

"I love you. I really do love you."

Note:

What I wrote below was not really about my dad. Well, the parts that say "dad" are, but the parts about my "parents" are really about my mom. After a conversation today, I think she's really projecting her own fears onto my dad.

Although the conversation left me in tears and swearing that I would never talk to my mother again (a ridiculous thing, if only because we work in the same office) there was one highlight. I was talking, and I finished a sentence with, "... because I'm gay." I've never really said that to her, but it felt really great to acknowledge it.

I thought about calling my uncles to talk to them, since one of them is related to her. The only thing that stopped me was ... well, I can't really say. But it's interesting to see what I'm turning to instead of cutting.

I Need To Know

Sometimes, I really wish I knew everything. I wish I could really understand what's going on in other people's heads.

I'm really lucky. I know I am. I remember, once I was sitting on the couch on a Friday evening with my grandma and she said, "I'm glad that {coming out} hasn't affected your relationship with your dad. I know you guys are really close."

That was the first time I ever realized that my dad was homophobic. People (that I'm related to) always tell me that he's much better than he was. But I was young back then. And I now realize just how much his opinions influenced me, even if he didn't say anything about the subject.

I knew I had a crush on Red. I knew how deeply I loved her. She never had to love me back, she never did anything to earn it. But I never quite made the connection. I would justify it to myself, the way I continued to do until I was 19.

(The justification, if you're curious, comes from Torey Hayden. I love her books. It was in The Tiger's Child. I can't find it, but this little girl's got a crush on a teenage helper, and Torey, who works with children, says it's quite a normal thing.)

It's like I told my friend: "It's not that I didn't know. I wasn't willing to admit it to myself. Because it was wrong. Even after my mom told me my uncle was gay, I thought it was okay for other people, but not for me. It took seeing lesbians on a daily bases for 8 months before I realized it was "okay to be gay."

But anyway, after that random detour ... today in the office I mentioned getting an invitation to my uncles' wedding. My mom was downstairs at the time, and she said that they weren't going.
I already knew that. I just thought that it was because it takes place during the summer, when only one person at work is allowed to be on vacation at a time, and she hasn't worked there long enough to have enough vacation time.

When she said that she had better things to do (aka "shop-hop"). That made me somewhat angry, saying "I'd rather shop-hop than be at my brother's wedding" but I thought she was just diverting attention from the real reasons because she felt bad or something (for the reasons above). Kind of changing the subject so she didn't have to deal with it.

And I still think I was right. She was diverting from the real issue. But it was the issue I thought (or, more likely, was hoping). I heard her when she told Hat that it was because my dad is a bigot. That's not exactly what she said, but it's what she meant.

I really was angry then. Shocked, maybe, though I probably shouldn't have been. I ask my mom what happens if I get married. (It's not that I have any desire to, but I'm young and don't know what's going to happen in the future.)

My mom didn't really answer me, which infuriates me. I was bursting with emotion. I really thought I was going to cry. In fact, I went into the back office, away from her, and tried unsuccessfully to laugh it off. I'm sure I've said it before that lately I laugh because I don't want to cry. I was a little dramatic, sure, but if you've ever seen The Truth About Jane, that was exactly what happened.

I'm still angry, though not in a "I'm never going to talk to you again" way. She doesn't realize how upset I am that she can't tell me. I don't know how to vocalize my frustration, my disappointment in my parents. I don't know what I'd be trying to accomplish if I did.

I tried to figure out the motivation of my anger, what it's really directed at, and I think it's because I don't understand. I don't understand why they think that homosexuality is "wrong" or "bad" or "gross." I don't understand how homosexuality is any different than heterosexuality. I think if I did, then I would be able to accept their feelings.

But I can't ask my dad, and my mom avoids my conversations about similar topics. (Maybe I get all my "I don't knows" from her ...)

Nobody else really has the answers that I need. But I wish somebody did. I wish I had somebody to talk to ...